Still haven’t seen the cat. One of the villagers came by and brought me burgers for dinner so I didn’t have to explore the woods yet. Got word from the West that the kids found the bag of random noise makers I slipped into my daughter’s book bag. I hear that the wife was excited about it. The wife sent word that she saw a Walrus penis on display in the museum in Oklahoma City. Don’t have much of a comment there just thought that everyone should know, if you are looking to see a Walrus penis, head to Oklahoma City. I haven’t mustarded up the courage to set out to find this magical Kroger the locals spoke of. I still have plenty of condiments in the fridge so I may just make a concoction of them for dinner tonight. Yesterday, one of the villagers broke into my home and stole all of the food from the dishes in the sink and floor dust. When I left I knew the sink was filled with dirty dishes and when I came home they were missing. I found them in a silver cabinet under the counter with no food left on them!
The dog slept in the bed with me last night. I think he can sense that the time is near. I did get another call from a sweet foreign man that said that the IRS has issued a warrant for my arrest. Last week, I snapped on him and told him he was a piece of $h!t but today it was nice to hear a familiar voice. It turns out he said I owe him money and the “local IRS” has issued a warrant for my arrest. I was a little worried when I returned his call that he asked “what did the message say?” but he pleasantly cleared it up the confusion in broken English and asked if the police had contacted me yet. The IRS website says it’s a scam (https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/dont-fall-for-scam-calls-and-emails-posing-as-irs) , but I think he’s legit. It’s a good thing he called, that would have been embarrassing. After much discussion, I told him that I have been on my own for 4 days now and I’m pretty sure that makes me an expert in protecting my house so instead of paying him I would invite him to come and get me. I believe my defenses are pretty strong at this point but two main problems still exist, 1. The guy that brings the envelopes that say I owe money keeps coming every day. 2. Someone is sneaking in my house and stealing my floor dirt and food residue from my dishes. If I can shore up those two I think I can make a stand. I have noticed that the grass in front of the house has gotten tall. Not sure what that is about but I think if I let it keep going it will provide me cover from the envelope man and the IRS. Don’t really know why it hasn’t done this before but notice everyone else’s seems to stay shorter. There are also piles of dog poop throughout the yard that haven’t been there before. I think for now I will leave them as land mines for the ensuing battle but they might start to stink so I will play it by ear. My beard is getting longer and I have started whittling beads to put in it like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. New problem today, the drawer with my t shirts and underwear has stopped refilling itself and I might need to call a repair guy to diagnose the problem. If you know a drawer refiller repair guy then let me know.